Just fell off a train. Bad.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
