Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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