he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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