Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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