I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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