I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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