i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
