I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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