i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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