The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
