I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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