No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
