I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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