Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
