i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
