Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
