HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
