Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
