i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
This beer is not sobering me up at all
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
