once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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