I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
