Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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