Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
