Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
