Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
