He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize