I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
