Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
