Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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