i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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