I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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