STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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