i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
false alarm. still invincible.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
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My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
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Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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