Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize