singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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