I can't breathe out the right side of my face
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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