my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
