If that was your dad, he is hot
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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