how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
