Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
