I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
