The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
