im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
