im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
