I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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