Well douche your snatch and let's go!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
