Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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