thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I am spending my child support on dildos
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
