when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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