you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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