you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
