Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
