I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
