we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
