My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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