The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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