Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
