Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
