dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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