Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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